A Picture of Loss

One summer evening I was sitting quietly at my desk. My brother Josh was out for the evening and so the room was still and quiet. The events of the day had been unremarkable at best. It had been one of those days when you can't help but slip into a pensive state of mind, basking in the melancholy of having nothing important to do. On those days you find busy tasks to keep your mind off the void of purpose. But when you sit down at the end of the day and you think about what has actually been accomplished, you can't help but wonder why you aren't living a different life, that is, a life with more purpose and meaning. My head was swimming in this.

I was reclining in my chair and staring blankly into the wall when someone came bursting through the door that was behind me and across the room. Normally I am agitated by such entrances without permission but I don't recall even considering the intrusion disturbing as there was nothing to disturb.

"Have you seen Jasper this evening?" a voice hurriedly inquired.

It was the voice of Leah, the youngest of my sisters. For a moment I sat unflinching and then without turning to her replied that I hadn't. Less than a second later she was gone with the door closing behind her. I continued as I was, motionless at my desk. Several moments later I heard some commotion outside below in the yard. The voices of my family were calling for Jasper out in the night. The time was around 10 pm. It was then that I finally began considering what Leah had already indicated. Jasper, our Golden Retriever, was unaccounted for. I grabbed a flashlight from one of the drawers of my desk and went down and out into the night to pick up with the search.

I knew already where I would check first and fully expected to find him there almost smiling at the commotion he had caused. Once out the back door I was met by my mother and Leah who were standing out on the deck appearing slightly alarmed. My mom asked me the same question Leah had several minutes before. I don't recall if I even answered. For some reason I felt agitated by the situation. I passed them by and remarked that he was probably under the very deck we were all standing on, just were he usually was. I descended the stairs and onto the brick patio and turned back around to look below the structure. At first I bent only partially and pointed the flashlight into the dark space there below. There was nothing there. My mother and Leah were still up above on the deck and were now staring at me intently waiting to hear of what I might find. Surprised that I hadn't resolved the conflict, I bent lower to get a better view. The adjustment soundly confirmed that he wasn't there. I told them so and felt a flashing sense of failure.

"Where could he be?" broke from Leah as fear began to take its hold of her.

Without saying a word I began walking around the side of the house, counter clockwise, searching as I went. My mother and Leah trailed behind verbally assessing the situation in circles. I mostly ignored their words and only searched. An entire sweep of the immediate perimeter of the house yielded nothing. To the best of my ability I approached the situation with reason and tried to remain in an objective state of mind. It seemed to me that the search of those with me had been dominated by emotion and impatiently observed how blind it seemed to have made them. They were talking in circles and they couldn't even tell. I considered the positive notion that I was already narrowing the possibilities of where Jasper could be and continued searching.

From the area surrounding the house, I went to the perimeter of our property and began searching clockwise along the fence. By then my mother and Leah had left me to search in other places. I continued on my own traveling north and into the night where porch lights couldn't reach. Behind me, my family continued the chorus of the lost puppy's name. At some point I prayed a simple prayer, asking that Jasper would be found safely and that no harm had come to him. In a way, that prayer was little more to me than an objective task that needed to be eliminated. I was still trying to operate reasonably but it was becoming more difficult with every moment that Jasper remained lost.

I came to a corner in our property and turned east. 75 meters to my right was our house. It was wrapped in a halo of light that emanated from the outside fixtures, each and every one of them lit. I could see my family shuffling along in places I, and probably they as well, had already searched. I refocussed my attention before me and continued on my way. I eventually came to the largest of our two barns. Most ofthe entrances where sealed, except for one lower opening. I entered slowly. The darkness filled with the light that sprayed from my flashlight, instantly casting the shadows into the corners of the space before me. For the first time I called Jasper's name, quietly. He wasn't there. I exited and made my way to the second barn which was diagonal from where I was approaching.

I advanced from the rear and went under the lean-to. I called to Jasper again and inspected the area as best I could. He wasn't there. I left and made my way to the front of the barn. The door was opened and I entered slowly. The light made a circular view into the dark space before me, seemingly darker than the other barn. I navigated the maze of tools and workbenches while calling Jasper's name, louder this time. Everything was still. Little specks of dust floated through the bright beam of light projected before me. I exited and continued on.

I began searching along the fence on the east side of our property heading south. The path brought me through the orchard and finally to the corner which meets perpendicular with the road. I turned the corner and began making my way west, now parallel with the road. As I went, I began shining the light in the direction of the road every so often, just checking if there was anything to see. I hoped with everything within me that I wouldn't see him there on the side of the road. I continued on, casting a flash in the direction of the road every so often. I realized then that, not far from where I was, my sisters were watching me as I made my way along. I didn't want them to come to realize the significance of why I would be so fixated on the road. I tried to be more discreet, but the suspense of the moment kept drawing my attention back to the road, almost involuntarily. Thankfully, I found nothing there.

I eventually searched the entire perimeter of the property. From there I began searching loosely through the internal area within that perimeter, which eventually yielded nothing. I knew that I had checked everywhere on our land that he could possibly be. I realized that there was only one solid and dreaded explanation. He was gone. This simple notion came as an unwelcome conclusion that insisted the attention of my entire mind. I couldn't think of anything else. I knew that there was nothing more that I could do and went back in the house. My objective search had yielded an assurance that I would have never willingly welcomed. And though I couldn't see it at the time, while my mother and sister had been talking in circles, blinded by emotion, I had been walking in circles guided by ostentatious reason.

I ascended the stairs that led to my room on the second floor, feeling nothing. Just as I reached the top of the staircase, my other sister Elizabeth came stumbling from the bathroom drenched in tears and muttering inconsolably,

"I want my doggy back..."

She passed right by me and went straight into her room and slammed the door behind her where I heard a deluge of sobs come bursting from her. I quietly went into my room and sat back at my desk for several minutes. I tried to think of something other than the enveloping ordeal that surrounded me, but all attempts to cast my thoughts elsewhere were futile. I decided to go to bed and hoped that I could let it all go, expecting it all to just drift away.

But sleep wouldn't come. I tossed and turned for several hours, my mind racing the entire time. I kept revisiting the conclusion that I had reached earlier. Jasper was gone and there was nothing else that I could do. Logic took hold once again and began grinding out the possibilities of where he could be. The first notion that came to mind was that he had somehow gotten through the fence on his own. He was a mischievous puppy that always seemed to crave adventure. It seemed to me that the most likely place that he could have gotten through was the large gate that sealed our driveway. Just several weeks before my father had given me the task of covering the large spaces of the gate with mesh wire so that Jasper wouldn't be able to get through it. I couldn't shake the notion that I might have in some way allowed for his escape to happen by incompetence as I had completed the task, but not well. In any case, what might have happened to him after the escape remained a mystery. It seemed most likely that he had just taken off on some big adventure and was probably enjoying every minute of it.

Eventually my mind began considering what might eventually happen to him. I kept thinking that if he had stayed close to the roads, he might very well end up getting killed by a vehicle. The roads near our house have always been unnaturally busy for the country. I hated to think about him laying on the side of the road dead. Other than this I considered that he might have made his way into the sea of cornfields that mostly surround our property. If this were the case, I knew that we would never be able to search for him there. Out of nowhere the danger of coyotes came to mind. I envisioned Jasper out somewhere in the night, miles from our house in a corn field surrounded by a pack of coyotes mocking him with shrieks just before tearing him to shreds. The thought was unbearable.

I forced my mind to return from imagination and back to reason as I identified another possibility of how he might have gotten out of the yard. It was, at first, just as unsettling as anything else I had thought about. I realized that he could have been stolen. I envisioned the thief driving by our house and seeing Jasper frolicking in our yard, deciding to take him from us, maybe plotting for days or even weeks. I began feeling an anger within me that I didn't want to control. My mind slipped away from reason once again. Hate began painting the imagined culprit in an increasingly sinister manner. I even imagined what I would have done if I had I caught the thief in the process. Seeing myself beating him senseless entertained the anger inside of me.

I continued examining the notion of theft for a while. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I might very well prefer theft over the alternative. At least he would be in someone's care. I then realized that even if he had gotten out of our yard on his own, he could have still found his way into the care of someone who would look after him. I imagined that he was now in the possession of some family with kids that would play with him and not take him for granted. I drank in the notion that even if we never saw him again, at least if some one had him, he would have the chance to be happy. He would forget about us and eventually live a long and happy life. I knew this was better than his untimely death. We would have to live with the void of his absence, but I'd rather deal with pain than know that he had to. I knew that such an innocent creature couldn't understand pain. I fell asleep comforted by the thought of some lovely kids playing with him and caring for him. Weariness had dissolved all reason and emotion had emerged through subconsciousness and created a fantasy that consoled the pain that I felt.

The next day I came awake and my mind immediately went to Jasper. I wanted more than anything for it all to have been a dream. But I was awake and there was no changing any of it. Grief crept inside of me and filled my chest.

"It's just an animal. Why am I allowing this to be such a big deal?"

I tried with all of my will to deny the pain that I felt for the little dog, but I couldn't. My mind replayed all that had happened since the night before. And then I realized that it didn't matter if he was only an animal. I conceded that if you love something, that thing has value no matter what it is. I realized that this couldn't be denied. I cared about the dog. I cared about what happened to him because he had value to me. I cared because my heart told me to. The pain that I felt hurt just the same as anything else that could have mattered to me. And although it was subjectively determined, my love for that dog existed objectively. I was drowning in this.

I was sitting in my room at the desk where I was the very night before. My feet were propped and I was leaning back in my chair trying to breathe deeply, hoping that I could exhale the pain in my chest. I picked up a book and began reading words, not comprehending their meaning. I was just reading and trying to forget for just a moment.

Then the door opened behind me. I turned my head and there was Leah, just as before. 

"Dad found Jasper! He's home!"